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jgifederizo's picture
 Oh, I'll definitely read it.
Submitted by jgifederizo on Wed, 11/23/2011 - 04:53.

 Oh, I'll definitely read it. Will save so I can start reading this evening maybe. Not all criticisms are useful, so maybe it's better to say that any criticism, whether positive or negative, as long as constructive, would be useful 

You wrote a manga script? Cool 



~Gi~

 

 

A.W.Whitford's picture
Thanx for sharing this with
Submitted by A.W.Whitford on Tue, 11/22/2011 - 15:51.

Thanx for sharing this with us Joshua. I'll put a link on the NFW facebook page and we'll see if we can get some comments for ya. I'm workin' on reading it. Get back to ya soon.

AWW

A.W.Whitford's picture
Okay... I finally found some
Submitted by A.W.Whitford on Sat, 12/03/2011 - 06:56.

Okay... I finally found some time to read this.

I like it so far, I'm about half way through. Is this a first draft? The reason I ask is--some of the sentence structures seem a little, ummm, I hate to say this--but I think you want me to be honest right? Clunky? That's kind of a weird word to use, but I can't think of another one at the moment.

I have no formal English Lit. training so my opinion is based on nothing more than the fact that I read about four novels a month and I pay close attention to the rythm of words. If that makes any sense to you.

   In the morning after hours of adjusting and readjusting Sheken has successfully synthesized diamonds only about a handful due to the lack of density in the coal. Only certain pieces were pure enough coal to last in the flux chamber. Still not too bad for twelve years old.   

Read this again and see if you see what I mean.

Maybe a few well placed commas or a bit more description.

Please don't let my opinion sway you from writing. Its tough to hear someone talk about your baby, obviously you put alot of work into it--but if you put it out there--they're going to.

I like the story line so far--Rasputen is a tough name to say in my head, it doesn't flow through my mind correctly, but I like the guy. Maybe he should or could have a nickname like Raz. He reminds me of Roland in the Stephen King novels about The Gunslinger and The Dark Tower.

Thats all I have for ya so far...

Stay with it word warrior, do not be discouraged.

Rewrites and red pens are not the enemy. Think of them as polish to make your story shine.

AWW

 

joshua mcatee's picture
 Thanks, im gonna see if i
Submitted by joshua mcatee on Sun, 12/04/2011 - 20:33.

 Thanks, im gonna see if i can un clunk my writing a little. it is my first draft but thats far from an exscuse, since i already have had the manga script finished for over a year. i did think about using raz as a paraphrase just wasn't sure if it would coume across as lazy, so ill probibly do that now. thanks again for your help, and its far from discouraged me.

A.W.Whitford's picture
No problem Joshua, Happy to
Submitted by A.W.Whitford on Mon, 12/05/2011 - 19:20.

No problem Joshua,

Happy to try and help. Its tough to take criticism about your work. I still don't like it very much myself but I try to learn from it. Also... you don 't have to listen to it if you don't want to. Its actually pretty hard to criticise other peoples work you don't want to come off sounding like a jerk or like you think you're better than they are.

But--you have to be honest too.

I like your attitude. Keep at it, and again...thanks for sharing it with us.

AWW

P.S. Thank you for being part of our community.

joshua mcatee's picture
 This is the first chapter
Submitted by joshua mcatee on Mon, 11/21/2011 - 23:46.

 This is the first chapter and a half of my novel adaptaion of a manga script i wrote. This is my first attempt at a novel and have much room for improvement. Any critisism constructive or not would be usefull.